- What? - You know what.
I do not know what.
Take a wild guess.
Um... It...
Is it because I sang the music from the Kia-Ora advert?
I remember that. # It's too orangey for crows #
You think this is funny?
No.
I guarantee in about three minutes you will definitely not be laughing.
Look, boys, if you think I am gonna stand by
and let you beat up my friend, you've got another thing coming.
Oh, we're gonna beat you up, too.
OK.
What do you think we should do?
Let 'em have it.
Vegetables, a lot of people are scared of them.
Take potato, a lot of people would peel it,
a lot of people would cube it.
I don't like to, I just like to put it down, bang, two halves.
In the pan, potato stew, it's a bit simple,
it's a bit sexy.
- Mike, how sexy am I? - Ooh, very.
- In a salad... - Daisy.
..in a sausage sandwich,
- with a cup of tea... - Daisy.
How sexy am I?
Very. You look good.
Really. Good. You look nice.
You don't want to look like you've made
too much of an effort, you know what I mean?
I'll change my shirt.
This, my friend, is gonna be one of the all-time great
- chicken stew, d'you know why? - No.
Because of this.
Oregano.
Or oregano to you.
'I got it from a wise old herb merchant
'on one of my many travels.'
This is the good shit.
Woo, mama!
- Hello. - Hi, is that Daisy?
- Yeah. - 'Hi, it's Sophie.'
- Oh, hi. - Nice to speak to you finally,
- Tim's told me all about you. - Has he? What did he say?
Oh, you know, the usual.
What sort of thing? You know, specifically?
Well...that...you're friends,
you share a flat,
and your name's Daisy.
Oh, right.
Is Tim there?
Oh, yes. Yes. He's just getting his clothes on.
- It's Sophie. - Oh, cheers.
Hello.
- Hey, how are you? - 'Good.'
Good. Had a nice time last night.
'Me, too. What are you up to?'
You know, just making myself beautiful.
- Listen,
Bisley, I can't come out tonight.
- Damien's got me working late. - Really?
There's been a misprint on the cover of one of the new issues.
- 'Which one?' - Total Cult.
- Well, OK. Fine, fine. - 'We can do it another night.'
We can do it next week.
How do you mean, do it?
You'll find out next week.
OK.
Bye, Bisley.
Bye.
I can't believe she's sleeping with her boss!
- You what? - This is how it starts.
It's excuses! Oh, I've got to work late.
A presentation, I've got to speak to the New York office,
they're five hours behind.
I can't come round because I've had ever such a long day.
It's me and Sarah. It's Milly and Egg.
It's textbook. Ow.
What'd you do that for?
Well, you said to me that every time you suffered emotional paranoia
as a result of your break-up with Sarah,
I was to slap you round the face.
Yes, I did say that. Thank you.
We could go out.
What, you and me?
Yeah.
What about your stew?
It's finished. I've just got to let it simmer.
I don't know, Daisy.
Come on, it'd be fun.
What else are you gonna do?
OK, then.
Great.
- Who is it? - Brian.
Do you wanna come in?
Thought you were going out.
Twist's in a mood.
Ooh, what a surprise. An unreliable girlfriend.
- What's the matter with her? - I don't know.
- She didn't really specify. - That's right. You've got to guess.
Must be strange being a woman.
- All that power. - You what?
They are the true creators,
because all men do is destroy things.
Yeah.
They are the true children of nature. Gaia's foot soldiers.
- They look like us. - Speak for yourself.
Two arms, two legs.
Two faces.
There's so much more to it than that.
If a group of women spend enough time together,
their menstrual cycles synchronise.
- Men have got that, too. - Mike.
No, no. Men have got an unspoken telepathy.
A biological connection between male psyches.
Whether they know each other or not, put a group together,
- always the same. - What d'you mean?
Shall we show him?
Mike, I really am not...
- Oooooh. - Oh, shit.
- Boom. - Phuuuuuu.
Tits.
- Bang. - Prrrrrrrrrrrr.
Trrrr.
Phat phat.
Phat.
- Brrrrrrrrr. - Brrrrrrrrrr.
Trrrrrrrrr.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Manoeuvres tonight? - Reconnaissance.
- Tanks? - Tim, I've learnt me lesson.
- Oh, yeah? - I'm not gonna steal another tank.
- Right. - What time are you going?
2100 hours.
- That's 9 o'clock. - Right.
Would you mind taking Colin for a walk about eight?
Hmm?
- 2000 hours. - Oh, yeah.
- Bye. - Bye.
That's never happened to me before.
- Minicab? - No, thanks.
Look after my stuff. You're less likely to get searched than I am.
- Why? - You look like a teacher.
- That's enough of that. - Sorry, miss.
- What's the plan? - Right.
'We get the Tube into Soho
'and go for drinks in a fashionable gay bar,
'before catching a play by a hip playwright,
'preferably with a swearword in the title.
'Then we go to a swinging coffee house and discuss the play
'before retiring to a jazz bar to listen to xylophone music
'and talk about life until it's time to catch the last Tube.'
- What d'you think? - I'm gonna go home.
What do you wanna do?
Right, we get the Tube into Camden and head
for the nearest bog-standard indie bar.
'We smoke a fatty boom-batty on the way
'so we're munted when we order our first drink.
'We stay a few hours, where, if all goes to plan,
'we'll end up laughing like a couple of twats.
'We relocate to a high-street pub
'with an eclectic jukebox and keep drinking until we
fall over, B: puke or C: fall over and puke.'
I like my idea better.
- You would. - It's more interesting.
- Toss a coin? - OK.
Two pints of cider.
- And crisps. - Crisps as well.
- Two packets. - Two packets.
- And nuts. - Nuts.
- Honey roast. - I'm ordering the drinks.
I can't remember what I was gonna say. Fuck it.
- Two tequila slammers, please. - Yes!
It's ups and downs.
Like when you're travelling.
More than normal. Not more ups and downs.
- Do you know what I mean? - No.
What did you wanna be when you were a kid?
- Monkey. - A Monkee.
No, Monkey.
- Monkey. - Yeah, Monkey.
It was great.
- What did you wanna be? - Elvis.
That's stupid, he's a bloke.
# I don't wanna be a tiger
# Cos tigers play too rough #
Go on.
Woo.
There's a good little fellow.
Right, off to enjoy a night of running round
in the dark with a gun.
You've got to stay and be good for Uncle Michael.
Settle down, relax and get comfy because you, my friend...
are going nowhere.
Oh, bollocks.
Colin! Colin.
Colin! Colin!
Colin. Colin!
Coliiiiiiiin!
I'm glad we decided to stay in, Twist.
It's so nice here.
Just you and me together.
- Been naughty.
- Naughty? - I've lost Colin.
- How? - He ran off.
- Oh. - Brian, we've got to find him.
- Probably come back. - What if he doesn't?
I've learnt one thing from the military,
- never leave a man behind. - He's a dog.
- Or a dog. - OK.
Bye, Twist.
- Sophie seems very nice. - Yeah, she's cool.
Cool, yeah.
She's quite quiet.
You're joking. She talks more than you do.
- Really? - Yeah.
And she's very funny as well. She really makes me laugh.
Oh well, I'm glad for you. Really glad. Glad.
- What about you? - Glad.
You got someone special?
No, I think I put men off.
- No. - No, I do. Trust me.
Hey, come on. Pull my finger!
Look, you're a beautiful, talented woman.
I'm gonna go to the toilet. I bet when I come back
some bloke'll be chatting you up.
You having a good night?
What?
Are you having a good night?
Yeah. You?
Oh, yes.
Listen, you don't know where I could get me hands
- on some puff? - Er, not at the moment.
- Have you got any? - A couple of spliffs' worth.
Can I buy it off you?
No, no. It's for me and my dog.
D'you remember the Kia-Ora advert with...
# It's too orangey for crows #
- Brilliant. - What are you talking about?
You remember that.
No.
Hi, Dom. This is Duane Benzie.
'This is Duane Benzie.'
Tim, hi. I didn't expect to see you here.
You stole my girlfriend.
- Oh, Tim. This is... - Duane.
Tim, hi.
This isn't the kind of place I'd expect to find you.
Funny. It's exactly the sort of place I'd expect to see you.
What's that supposed to mean?
- You work it out. - All right, then.
You're Duane. The Duane Duane.
Duane Benzie.
The Duane Benzie that...
Stole my girlfriend.
Well, that depends on which way you look at it.
I think Tim looks at it that way.
Yes, I do.
So, Tim. How have you been? Haven't seen you since...
Yeah, well. No hard feelings, eh?
You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.
Like I said, no hard feelings.
You're lucky I didn't sue.
- Why didn't you? - I'm not a monster, Tim.
Besides, I know you don't have much in the way of assets.
I...heard you got back together with Sarah.
She came to her senses.
She not out tonight?
- No, she's... - Working late?
- A presentation. - Putting in overtime?
- What's that supposed to mean? - You work it out.
Daisy, we're leaving.
Well, nice to meet you, Daisy.
Yeah, yeah. Pull my finger.
- Daisy.
At last I will emerge as the victor.
At last I will have revenge.
- Minicab? - No thanks.
I'm glad we got out of there when we did.
That could have got a little bit nasty.
How about that spliff?
I told you, we're not selling.
- We're not buying. - You what?
Blondie's got something for me,
- ain't you? - No.
Yes. Daisy, give 'em the stuff.
- They're only about 12. - Look at them.
Woo, mama!
Just what I've been looking for.
- I cannot believe this. - Tim.
- I got mugged by the Red Hand Gang. - Come on.
And my girlfriend's sleeping with her boss.
She's not sleeping with her boss. Besides, what if she is?
Sometimes it pays to be single. Look at Marsha.
- You know what she told me? - What?
I was gonna be an Olympic athlete, you know.
What's that got to do with anything?
I'll tell you.
I was a sprinter. A fast one.
Why d'you think I've got such ace pins?
They're me souvenirs.
Fork-lightning Klein, they called me.
I was all set for stardom.
Sailed through the districts in '67.
Walked the nationals,
all set to wow the Olympic Selection Committee when suddenly, bang.
- You got shot? - Might as well have done.
I was coming back from training one night,
when suddenly this Mini Cooper comes out of nowhere
and knocks me off my bike.
Next thing I know, I'm sprawled on the pavement
with this pillock in tight trousers standing over me
saying, "Oh, sorry love, didn't see you, I was going too fast.
"I was drunk."
He gives me his bottle of Jack Daniel's.
"I don't drink," I said.
"Oh, go on, love, it'll help with the pain."
He was not wrong.
My God.
Fractured me tibia, fell behind on me training,
eventually lost interest.
What happened to the pillock?
I married him in '69.
I often wonder what would have happened
if I hadn't been knocked off my bike.
Where would I be now?
'Thanks, Des.
'Coming up, the latest from the Five Nations at Twickenham
'and a report from the Davis Cup. Tim.'
Thanks. I'm being stupid, I know.
I'm paranoid. I've been hurt.
I keep thinking about what happened with Sarah.
That is in the history.
Yeah? That's past. Stop thinking about Sarah.
Well, I don't. I don't think about her, really.
I don't miss her. I don't think what it would have been like
to get married, move into a nice house in Highgate,
have a couple of kids and a surround-sound TV.
I don't think about that. And a studio.
- Thanks. - You're a winner.
Sod the grass. You've got good friends.
You've got a good job and you've got a foxy lady.
I'm the luckiest man in town.
Have a nice night, Tim.
Get on that.
This isn't grass.
- What? - It's oregano.
How can you tell?
I'm a catering student.
Get the car.
Can you make your way out now, please?
We should do this more often.
We could have a blowout for your birthday.
That'd be cool. Hey, here's a plan.
We go home, we watch some telly and we eat some stew.
Now that's a plan I like.
- Have you got your keys? - No.
Shit, I've left mine in the other pub.
It'll be closing in five minutes.
What?
You know what.
He who laughs last, laughs longest.
What do you think we should do?
Let 'em have it.
Ooooh!
Noooooo...
Tim, let's go!
- Minicab? - Yes, please.
Step on it!
Come on!
You bloody idiot.
Have you any idea how much this car cost?
Why don't you piss off back to Romford where you belong?
You little prick.
Eh? Eh?
Clever boys.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Thanks, bye.
I can't believe you said "step on it".
- Why? - I wanted to say it.
D'you think we'll have to wait here all night?
No.
I'm cold.
Do you know what I was saying earlier on?
About what?
About being single and that.
I think the thing is just not to go looking for it, you know?
I think things happen when you least expect 'em to.
Yeah?
Yeah.
- Isn't that your dog? - Aren't those your keys?
Yeah!
I must have had 'em all along.
Come on.
Have you two been taking Colin out for a midnight stroll?
Yes.
- Didn't you do reconnaissance? - Um, sort of.
Come on, you're just in time for stew.
Come on, chop chop.
That was a great stew, Daisy.
Think I'll make another one.